Receiving the Dreaded “I’m Coming To You As A Woman” Call & Why Y’all DON’T Need to Be New BFFs!

We’ve all heard the side chick stories. We’ve all cringed at the phrase “I’m coming to you as a woman”. We’re familiar with the Sister Wife term and we all know of someone (if not ourselves) who have gone through this shit on either sides. Right? Good. Now we can get into this.  I thought about the movies Girl's Trip where one of the husband of one of the main characters (Ryan, I believe) was cheating with young lady who was down in Essence getting her life encroaching on the boundaries of their marriage, being Petty Betty Messy, and getting her life off of being disrespectful to Ryan who was trying to keep it cute and on mute.

Apparently, Ryan had known about the affair but wrongfully thought it had ended. Sadly, the truth was honey dip was still pussy popping on all types of hand stands with Ryan’s husband and she had absolutely no shame about it. Fast forward towards the ending when Ryan and her husband sign a lucrative deal based on the (insert air quotations here) purity of their marriage and Ms. Hoe Cakes finds out that she is knocked up. Ryan’s husband (as you can tell by now, his name-fictional or not-does not deserve a mention on this post) is not with the shits and basically stops engaging with her and cuts of all contact with her. So what does Hoe Cake do now? She now all of a sudden wants to speak to Ryan and form some type of one sided “your man, is my man, ain’t shit man” two woman play. Biiiiiiihhhhhhhhh! Let’s get into this shit right now!

Let me first address and talk to the Suzy Q Hoe Cakes first: Please put the script down and stop acting like you give a fawk about her and her feelings all of a sudden and now feel the need to woman up and have this conversation with her. The truth is this: you weren’t thinking about this woman and/or the sanctity of her marriage/relationship to her lying ass man when you were living la vida loca, cocked up taking backshots from him and treating him to Red Lobster soon after. In fact, this whole time that you’ve been having your fun with him; old girl has never even crossed your mind.

You might have even got off on the fact that you know something about him that she don’t. So tell me, what has given you the change of heart and now all of a sudden has you wanting to chat over chai tea and old Mary J Blige albums? I’m going to spill the beans and say what it really is: the fun is over. Reality has set in and has your ass reeling. Either you realize that (surprise!) his ass has been lying and playing your ass too or you realize that he is not leaving his woman. So now you’re miserable….and you want her miserable too. All of a sudden, you realize that while you’ve known about her all this time, she has no idea who you are and has been living her life like it’s golden without a care in the world and you hate that shit. So enter the “sisterhood” talk where now all of a sudden you care about her feelings and want to make amends on your salacious fawk shit with her man. You know that you don’t give a shit about her and if she has any sense, she’ll know too and send your fake ass on your way.

It’s either this orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes all those Rs) you feel like he’s not moving fast enough in his claims to leave her and you want to insert yourself to move the process along faster. Now you feel inadequate because surely if you were all he needed and if all of what he said was true about you and y’alls “relationship”; he would have been left. This has your frustrated as fawk and you feel like you no longer have control over him or the situation. So how can you get some sort of control back and assert some type of power….to tell Her. Girl, you can’t change no man and you can’t keep a man who don’t wanna be kept.

Also, congratulations on realizing that there is no magical formula in your pussy that sets you apart from her or them. Talking to his woman/wife is not going to heal that hole in your heart and it’s not going to free him up to commit only to you. Even if you do break up that union and think that you finally have him to yourself, karma is on her way to both of yall. He may not trust you because you’ve been so willing to get down for the crown on some fawkery and you definitely won’t trust that he’ll be faithful to you like he wasn’t faithful to her.

Your days will be filled with panic attacks of whether he has a side chick ready to bust her pussy open on the island of Wakikiiiiiiiiiiiiiii at the drop of the dime and you deserve every bit of it. Remember that how you get him is how you lose him and the universe don’t bless no mess. You better also hope that She ain’t me or I ain’t one of Her best friends.

Now to the wife or “main chick” (God I hate that name): DO NOT get sucked into the bullshit and don’t be fooled into thinking that this woman gives a fawk about you. She doesn’t. She just wants to see you as affected as she is and also wants the satisfaction of tearing your world apart. Don’t even let her see you sweat. Deal with your shit outside the prying deceitful eyes and ears of her. Any negative reaction from you will please her and you don’t need to pick up where your man left off with that. Do not stay on the phone with her and entertain her stories (they will eat you alive long after the conversation is over). Also, do not compare receipts and stories. She was not trying to do any of this shit when she thought she was living on cloud 9 and had one up on you so don’t give her that satisfaction of thinking she has a partner in misery or an ally in dumb shit. Your main concern is Self. Not You, Me, & She. Fawk that. Be a class act, dust your shoulders off, and elevate. You got this Sis!