My mother triggered me today. She pissed me the fuck off. I was very angry with her, but more so angry with myself.
I thought I wanted to write about what happened, but I think the most important takeaway from today is…I still have unsealed anger, resentment, and hurt from my past with her. I also realized that I have more healing to do. Even that epiphany incensed me because I feel like I’ve always had to recover from her carelessness and total disregard.
My mother says I attack her for every small thing and I’m always defensive. My mother says that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me and she feels like she can never do right. Hearing her tell me this really blows my mind because it’s so ironic that this describes my childhood growing up with her to a T.
A whole ass motherfucking T.
How my mother feels now is how I felt growing up. My mother was extremely critical of me. I could never do anything right. Even though I was a high achieving child with maturity beyond her years, it didn’t matter to my mom. I always felt that she simply tolerated me and it was never a secret that she preferred my brother over me and favored him over me. My mother was the first mean girl that I ever encountered. I always knew in my heart of heart that she didn’t neccessarily care for me. In fact, I always felt like she was jealous of me. However, I was just as saucy then as I am now so I always bucked back on her ass and showed her that she couldn’t break me. THIS is the reason why I left home at 17 and moved outside of the country. This is also the reason why I have so much residual hostility against her.
I‘ve never put my guard down. Even once I got older and reconnected with her. I would be nice and accommodating but I always kept a little bite in my back pocket just in case I needed to use it. This has manifested into a strained relationship. Again, I’m always on guard, waiting on the next attack…just like when I was a child. Now that I’m an adult, I protect my inner child from her-protection she never gave me. Now that I’m an adult, I advocate for myself and play no games about myself. Even when it comes to my own mother-ESPECIALLY when it comes to my own mother.
My mother’s lack of accountability irks the shit out of me. My mother’s newfound sensitivity and disregard to her past actions against me, angers me. My mother’s cowardice to owning up to the damage she’s caused me, angers me too. Her sense of entitlement and the fact that she failed me as a mother, doesn’t make me warm and fuzzy. It creates a gate around my energy that doesn’t allow her to get through…and me to get out. She’s never been able to love me, nurture me, or honor me in the way I deserve…and the mind fuck of it all is I got to watch her be all those things to my brother. A brother that to this day wants absolutely nothing to do with her and treats her like shit on a stick-but that’s her karma and a topic I may write about later.
I definitely have my guard up when it come to my mother. I would be a damn fool if I didn’t. She‘s done soooooooo much fucked up stuff and has always been harsh, critical, judgmental, inconsiderate, and selfish when it came to her motherhood. This has made me always have my guard up with her to protect myself. There’s always a silent thin line of edge that I be waiting for her to cross before I take her head off. She can say “Good morning” and I’ll have to process the way she said it before giving my answer. Just like when I was a child, I am still always on edge around her. Observing her and waiting for her antics to spill out so I can check her ass like a coat. I can be honest and say that at times she literally disturbs my energy. Like she can walk into the room and I feel myself automatically irked, tense, and angry.
Do I like this feeling? No.
Is it necessary? Absolutely.
Everytime I have ever let my guard down with her, she always disappoints me and shows me why that wasn’t a smart decision. Then my regret turns into anger and I have to reconcile this with my wounded inner child-who I should be protecting from her. She acts hurt that I handle her this way and always tells me that I’m too hung up on the past which comes off as dismissive to me-and pisses me off even more. She even acts like she’s hurt at the way our dynamic is played out. Then I have to remind her that nothing has really changed in our dynamic except the fact that the tables have turned and now I’m the powerful one and she’s the meek and vulnerable (elderly) one feeling helpless and overpowered, knowing that there ain’t shit she can do about it. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit’s got the gun.
Shit don‘t feel too good, do it? Yeah, welcome to the first 17 years of my life. I got the juice now bew.
I’ll most likely have my guard up with her til the end (just like I did with her ex-husband, my father) and the sad thing is (just like with him), I wouldn’t have to if she did HER part as my mother. It’s always so interesting to me how people treat their children like shit and always show them that they are not a priority….then when they age, they get amnesia and think that this will have no effects on their child once they reach adulthood. I always ask my mom: ”Based off of the way you interacted with me growing up and how you treated me, what type of relationship did you think we would have? How do you expect me to navigate with you as an adult? How can I reconcile you showing me that I wasn't a priority all my life? Like honestly?”
She never has an answer. This is confirmation enough for me.
However, back to my most recent trigger. While I’ll always have my guard up with her, I can‘t allow her to continue stealing from me and my inner child so I have to work more on my triggers and heal Little Nikkie more. Since our last conversation, I have upped my journaling. I have also increased my meditation sessions and have incorporated inner child and mother wound meditations to my days. I started fasting as well. I’m also spending more time with my inner child. I’m asking her what she needs. I’m allowing her the space to process and heal our mother wound while holding her hand. I’m so proud of her for being strong for us and protecting me into adulthood. But now that I’m an adult, it’s my turn to give back and ensure that she gets to dwell in spaces unlike those she grew up in. I’m learning that there‘s beauty is reparenting yourself and healing your inner child. I can do all the things my parents couldn’t and as a result, I get access to my inner child in ways my parents couldn’t.