A couple of months back, I offered my niece to watch her daughter (my grandniece) for her spring break vacation. I wanted to not only give my niece (who is also a single mother) a break, but also spend time with my Khloe Bear who I've adored as my own since her birth 10 years ago.
So it was set. I booked the Bear's flight and made the preparations for her arrival. Two weeks of fun times with my girl and we both were so excited. Little did I know, I would be in for more than Auntie & Me time. I'd also be in for a special treat regarding myself...especially my inner child.
In the past, it has been revealed to me via tarot and other channeled messages that a lot of my healing would surround children.
I never understood this as my only child is a teenager, I don't work with children, and I've never typically been a fan of small children. I always took it as maybe I would heal more once I had another child. But even that is up in the air because in order for me to have another child, I would need to obtain another husband-preferably one who has some damn sense this go round.
However, recently I have been questioning whether I really want to have another child. With my son inching his way through high school and getting more independent by the day, I have grown a bit accustomed to having more freedom and wiggle room to myself. I have began a chapter of self-discovery that I absolutely love. I'm not so sure if I want to press the "Reset" button and put myself on the back burner again for motherhood.
But enough about that. Let's get back to the epiphanies I received while having my niece in my care.
Epiphany #1 - Navigating with girls is toooooootally different than navigating with boys.
When you're a rough and tumble tomboy who is also die hard Boy Mom of a no fawks given Gemini teenager, having a prissy and highly sensitive Pisces little girl in your care will throw you for a fawking LOOP.
I consider myself a woman who is stepping into her divine feminine energy and softness more and more each day.
But baby, clearly a heaux ain't been stepping soft enough because I felt like an overnight single father initially. Everything from the way I mindlessly snatched the tags off her new clothes (while jacking her up in them) to having to slow down enough to process her emotions when she got sad to show her that her feelings mattered was a HUGE shift for me. My son rarely cries and he takes shit with a grain of salt. Things that I've thought would make him upset, he has shown over the years that its peanuts to him and sometimes I can overreact.
However, two weeks with my niece showed me that I don't react enough with girls. I had to learn to adjust very quickly. This meant paying attention to her cues, asking her about her feelings, giving her the space to process them, and providing her with affirmations.
I got my Virgo ass kicked by her uber emotional Pisces energy. But the more I showed up and held space for her, I began connecting and reasoning with her as I would if I were a child myself. Instead of being annoyed when she cried or got sad about something that I thought was frivolous, I empathized with her and validated her. The more I did this, the more I realized that I was holding space for her that was never afforded to me. Not only was this healing for my wounded inner child, but also for our bloodline's healing.
Epiphany #2 - There's a certain softness that takes over you dealing with little girls
I also began to notice how much softer I was with my niece. A few days into her visit, we began to find our equilibrium. I noticed how my voice softened when I spoke to her. How soft my touch was with her and how i checked all my toughness out the door when she came around. Feeling her pure energy laid down the Welcome Mat for my softness and also let my inner child know that it was safe to come out and play.
Epiphany #3 - Girls really do heal you
I mentioned earlier how spending time in my niece'e energy allowed my inner child to know that it was safe to come out. As a childhood tomboy, I was never big on being prissy or an emotional kid. I've spoken about this before but most of my tomboy energy came from not being able to have access to my divine femininity as a child myself. i was always constantly forced into protecting myself and others. I never wanted to be anyone's victim or allow people to take advantage of me. A lot of my shadow work as an adult has been realizing how much was stolen from me as a little girl growing up. A lot of my recovery has been allowing myself to revisit my softness in all phases of my life-childhood included.
It should also be noted that Pisces is the sister sign of Virgo. Pisces is also my sister Kimmie's sign. My sister (Khloe's grandmother; Taylor's mother) passed away four years ago and her passing really fucked me up. Her sudden death was also traumatic to my inner child as my sister was the one who really raised me and protected me as a child. I really felt orphaned by her death which made me retreat further into my shell. However, spending time with Bear not only made me feel closer to my sister but my inner child also felt her energy again which felt beautiful.
Epiphany #4 - I don't know if I could manage two kids
Chile, the way Kingston and Khloe went back and forth from bickering to being best friends made my head spin. I had to play referee & savior. Between Kingston teasing and Khloe encroaching on his space and desire to hang out with his friends, a bihh was tide. TIDE you hear me. Every few minutes consisted of me saying: "Don't do that", "You two stop it", "Don't say that", "Why did you do that", Come over here with me", "Leave her alone", "Leave him alone", "That wasn't nice", "Go apologize...and MEAN it!"
Absolutely. Fucking. NOT.
I don't know how my mama did it with 5. But what I do know is that I am a one on one type of parent. Even if I decide to have another child, they don't need a "playmate sibling" immediately after. We will manage just fine, like I did with Kingston. That mediator shit is for the birds.
In closing, my visit with the Bear was fun, healing, introspective, and nostalgic. Not only did I get to experience her, I also got to experience myself: as a child, a parent, a woman with "baby girl" fever, and a divine feminine trying to find her way back home.
Children definitely have healing spirits. They are the bridge between our adult selves and our wounded inner children. I am so grateful for these lessons and the experience.